Oh, That’s what Reality’s face looks like. It’s not pretty.

Well, after getting some disconcerting news about my car from the repair shop, I have another thing to add to my list of things I need to face:

  • After the reassessment of  taxes and insurance for my house, my mortgage is officially more than what is left in my account after I paid all my other bills.
  • My mother’s car is about to get repossessed. She hasn’t been able to pay it since she no longer receives an income. I’ve been using it because my car has been having some problems.
  • The price of repairing my car can cost me up to $1500. That is equivalent to 5 car payments (which I still have).
  • My mother needs help and everywhere I turn, I either get rejected or I am given a number to call where I can get rejected some more.  She is no longer receiving paychecks and is no longer insured. She’s not old enough for social security and ineligible for medicare/medicaid because she owns property. The doctor called to let me know she needs  neuropsychological testing. Yes, that sounds expensive, she’s uninsured, I cannot afford to pay my own mortgage= how will this happen?
  • I work three jobs and come home to do everything there as well. I am tired and frustrated.
  • I don’t know how the mortgage for my mother’s house (where we’re staying) is going to get paid.
  • I am on academic probation at 3 universities and the class I am getting behind on the class I am taking to bring up my grade point average.
  • I just want to finish my doctorate degree.
  • I need a healthier diet and to exercise on a regular basis. I have gained weight since I have moved back.
  • I will be getting a raise in July, but as teacher in the public school system, I would be making $9,000 more. I am considering going back to teaching, but my last year of teaching was marred by many severely self esteem crushing experiences (from the administration, not the kids). Financially, it is a better choice considering my situation, but I don’t want to make my situation worse (emotionally) by starting at a new job all over again.
  • My family is not as supportive as I thought they would be when I moved back here. They were helpful with my mom when I was living in Tampa, but I haven’t seen them since I’ve moved back in January. My dad has come by about  5 times since January to check up on my mom or take her to a doctor appointment.  While I am grateful for that, I was expecting a little more support. I have come to realize, although we get along great and I love him, that growing up and now, that my father isn’t my “father”, and is more of a friend of the family.
  • I miss my mother and I want her to get better so life can be like it used to be. This of course may never happen. Sometimes I am angry at her and I feel trapped living here, like my freedom has been taken from me, my future, my life, my choices. I don’t want to be angry at her anymore.
  • I am suffering from the infliction of “too much to do (obligatory and recreational), too little time” and “too much stuff, not enough space”.  All of my furniture is still in the Tampa house and everything else is scattered around my mother’s house, because there is nowhere else to put them. I am tired of looking boxes piled everywhere, everyday.
  • The saddest part of my face to face with reality is that I am alone in this. Very alone.

Next post: something positive and happier.

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