Category Archives: life

The struggle continues

It’s less than a month to my 27th birthday. Unfortunately, my 26th year of life has been a beast. I have several car incidences (crash, break in, break down), school realities (failure, probation, dismissal, re- admittance), life/lifestyle disagreements(mom, move, job, weight, men, break down). Overall, I’m exhausted with the direction my life is going.  I know by comparison, my life is pretty blessed, I have a home (for now), I’m healthy (everything works!), and I have a job (eh).  I just don’t feel like being here anymore, I want to move and get settled in my life, I want to finish school and be done with it.  I don’t want to work, I have things to learn and work is just getting in the way!  I feel trapped and I know I’m trapped, so I try to make the best of the situation, but the best still isn’t good enough.

Sorry, I needed to get that out.

My goals for September so far :

  • Post at least one positive thing everyday
  • Keep up my homework for all my classes
  • Exercise everyday
  • Try not to cry for the rest of the month
  • Keep in touch
  • Eat healthy
  • Work on the business
  • Go somewhere different for my birthday

Overwhelmed

It has been an overwhemling series of events in the past few days. I got in my first car accident and totaled it. I’m fine physically, but I was shaken up afterwards. I bit my lip and got cut by the seatbelt. I am also pretty much being audited by the IRS for my 2005 tax return for something I didn’t realize was salary (it was a scholarship). Work is still the same, so is school.

I do have remark that some of the overwhelming experiences in the past couple of days have been acts of kindness and good graces:

• The young man I was in the car accident with was the nicest person to get in an accident with. He helped me out my car, pushed it to the side, made sure I was ok and even offered to keep me company as I waited for my tow truck. His kindness and consideration kept me calm in a rattling situation. I am extremely thankful for him and wish him the best.

• The day after the accident, I received two unexpected gifts: A teddy bear from my ex-boyfriend, wishing me better days, and money from my ex-supervisor. I cried a little at both.

• A blind student told me he could tell I was a beautiful person.

• I have a job interview next week for a position that I think I will enjoy very much.

Most importantly, I’m alive.

Lightening Up

I need to do this in so many ways (my hair, my attitude, my weight, my workload) . I came across two things today that referred to this sentiment, so it can’t be a coincidence:

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.
– Glenn Clark

and

A Lighter Footstep – a website/webmag about sustainable living (click on the picture to visit)

A little about who we are, what we do, and how to contact us.

sustainability montage #1

Lighter Footstep is a web-based magazine dedicated to sustainable living: learning to thrive in our personal and business lives by making wiser choices.

While our choices are unlimited, the world’s resources are not. Fortunately, public attention is turning to the critical issues of our new century. People are waking up to climate change, the need for clean air and water, our collective search for sources of renewable energy, and the hope of a prosperous, more equitable society.

Of course, change doesn’t happen overnight. It all starts with taking a few first steps toward living a lighter, more sustainable lifestyle. And that’s where Lighter Footstep comes in. We’re here to help you navigate that path.

Maybe you’re new to the idea of sustainability. We’ll have actionable information that allows you to choose how best to start. Or, if you’re more experienced in earth-friendly living, you’ll have the chance to help others while improving your own techniques.

The future is collaborative. The future is sustainable. The future starts when you want it to.

Welcome to Lighter Footstep.

Just glancing at the site, simple but true words of wisdom such as “small changes matter” and “[sustainable] living happens one step at a time” pop out at me. Sometimes the mind seeks and finds the wisdom or answers that you need, even though you are not looking. I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately, what I need to change, what I want to change, but is has been difficult for me to keep these mental pacts with my self. Mostly the changes I do think about are about letting go. Lightening the load. Not just for myself, but for others as well. I have ideas on what I need to do, but it hard to put in to action and it requires discipline and desire to bring to fruition. I have the desire, but the discipline is lacking. It is a step by step process to build this discipline and change will come.

A Day to Catch up

I will have a forced day off tomorrow.  They are supposed to repossess the car and tomorrow is the last day to pay up. I called the woman who has been leaving the messages and she told me that my mom actually has disability insurance on the car. That means once she fills out the paperwork, they will make payments for a year.  This has to happen in person, so I have to take my mom to make the payment and apply for the disability.  My mother didn’t even want  call her in the first place and when I asked her for the number she never gave it to me, I had to find it myself.  I am so discouraged that she will do absolutely nothing to help herself.

As for helping myself, my mother’s attitude might be genetic.  I’ve been avoiding calling the mortgage company to tell them  I cant afford to pay them because of the raised tax and insurance. I called today, but I was on hold for 20 minutes to talk to a human and I gave up after that. 

I did go to the dentist this week, 6 cavities, 2 to be filled and the other 4 are the wisdom teeth, which need to come out. I’ll be having an orthodontist consult on Saturday to see about closing the gaps.  I didn’t go to Italian class on Wednesday and instead went out to eat dinner at a Thai restaraunt with a friend.  I’m not sure if I will be going on to Italian 2. The professor is great, but I think I want to free up my Mondays and Wednesdays. The gym is offering swimming lessons next month on MW, so I thought it would be an excellent opportunity to force me to exercise and learn how to swim properly. I am a little put off by wearing a swim suit in public though. 

So tomorrow I will clean up the bathroom in the morning (that is my goal), take my mom to pay the car, and hopefully catch up on 3 weeks of late work for my online class. I kind of wish I could have Monday off too. That’s what I miss about working for the system, I wouldn’t have to work for six more weeks if I was still a teacher.  Mentally, I’m still expecting a break somewhere, year round jobs are tiring.

Delusion Detox

I definitely need some kind of life detox or makeover. Internally and eternally. I need to let go. Let my overabundance of stuff cluttering up my life and my space, let of this extra weight metaphorical and physical, and I also need a hair cut. I’ve been so afraid to let it go, like the everything else. But I know I need to, I need to clean up my surroundings. I am living in such a mess right now. My bathroom needs to be scrubbed floor to ceiling and my room thoroughly de-congested from… stuff…everywhere!  I stayed up late to watch Suze Orman’s Women and Money and cleanliness was one of the secrets to happiness. I’m so tired coming home from work or more work, that the last thing I want to do is clean. I am so overwhelemed that all that needs to be done, that I don’t want to do anything at home. Each journey begings with one step Iguess.

Oh, That’s what Reality’s face looks like. It’s not pretty.

Well, after getting some disconcerting news about my car from the repair shop, I have another thing to add to my list of things I need to face:

  • After the reassessment of  taxes and insurance for my house, my mortgage is officially more than what is left in my account after I paid all my other bills.
  • My mother’s car is about to get repossessed. She hasn’t been able to pay it since she no longer receives an income. I’ve been using it because my car has been having some problems.
  • The price of repairing my car can cost me up to $1500. That is equivalent to 5 car payments (which I still have).
  • My mother needs help and everywhere I turn, I either get rejected or I am given a number to call where I can get rejected some more.  She is no longer receiving paychecks and is no longer insured. She’s not old enough for social security and ineligible for medicare/medicaid because she owns property. The doctor called to let me know she needs  neuropsychological testing. Yes, that sounds expensive, she’s uninsured, I cannot afford to pay my own mortgage= how will this happen?
  • I work three jobs and come home to do everything there as well. I am tired and frustrated.
  • I don’t know how the mortgage for my mother’s house (where we’re staying) is going to get paid.
  • I am on academic probation at 3 universities and the class I am getting behind on the class I am taking to bring up my grade point average.
  • I just want to finish my doctorate degree.
  • I need a healthier diet and to exercise on a regular basis. I have gained weight since I have moved back.
  • I will be getting a raise in July, but as teacher in the public school system, I would be making $9,000 more. I am considering going back to teaching, but my last year of teaching was marred by many severely self esteem crushing experiences (from the administration, not the kids). Financially, it is a better choice considering my situation, but I don’t want to make my situation worse (emotionally) by starting at a new job all over again.
  • My family is not as supportive as I thought they would be when I moved back here. They were helpful with my mom when I was living in Tampa, but I haven’t seen them since I’ve moved back in January. My dad has come by about  5 times since January to check up on my mom or take her to a doctor appointment.  While I am grateful for that, I was expecting a little more support. I have come to realize, although we get along great and I love him, that growing up and now, that my father isn’t my “father”, and is more of a friend of the family.
  • I miss my mother and I want her to get better so life can be like it used to be. This of course may never happen. Sometimes I am angry at her and I feel trapped living here, like my freedom has been taken from me, my future, my life, my choices. I don’t want to be angry at her anymore.
  • I am suffering from the infliction of “too much to do (obligatory and recreational), too little time” and “too much stuff, not enough space”.  All of my furniture is still in the Tampa house and everything else is scattered around my mother’s house, because there is nowhere else to put them. I am tired of looking boxes piled everywhere, everyday.
  • The saddest part of my face to face with reality is that I am alone in this. Very alone.

Next post: something positive and happier.

I want to sell my house

I want to sell my house. I want to sell my house. I want to sell my house. I want to sell my house. I want to sell my house.

According to “The Secret” every thought you put out, you attract a like consequence, therefore it is imperative to think about what you do want instead of what you don’t.  So am putting it out there. I want to sell my house.

I know it’s been a slow market and I have also advertised it for  rent due to financial reasons, but my primary goal is to sell it and soon.  I am so financially strained paying for a place that I am not using, I really need it to be a home for someone else so I can take care of the housing situation in the place where I actually live.

Tampa House

Yes. I want to sell my house soon.